I've Never Had A Bigger Hard On

So, I've got good news and bad new. Bad news first. I broke up with my boyfriend. It was sad. I'm still sad about it but without the unfortunate chain of events that led up to our separation I would not have been able to share this little gem with the rest of the world. It seems that a few former coworkers have decided to come out of the woodwork and profess some... attractions upon hearing of Cory and I splitting. I tried to be polite and not hurt his feelings. Sadly, I am awkward and have a difficult time saying "No, f off." I clipped it to begin just after some idle chit chat about my personality and how I'm a horrible girlfriend. My apologies for his grammar. I didn't understand a lot of it either but the grammar is what makes this.... magical. Well, prepare yourselves.... For the HOTTEST chat up ever.

Me: Wine, cheese, candlelight lol

God, I'm crazy.

Him: why would u have low self esteem. well i can see the problem now he wasnt taking care of u like he should and wasnt making u feel like a woman when he needed to maybe in the bedroom.

Me: yeah, the bedroom bit is what got me the most

Him: so how about that massage. im feel and like i said not looking for anything but if u wanted to vent i could make u feel real good?

Me: He would actually push me away and turn me down when I would come onto him

Him: free

Me: Aw! Thanks for the offer I'm actually pretty well taken care of at the moment,

Him: ok now i feel rejected, well i guess i can't say i didnt try

Me: Oh no!

Him: oh no what?

Me: I'm sorry! I don't mean to reject you >.> It's just that I do have a really good guy taking care of me right now lol. We'll see if he can keep up

It was a good try

Him: well that is whatever. but for real when u decide that u want a run for your money, even if u just want to try it one time let me know, like i said im not looking to get into anything else

Me: Sure thing I'll keep that in mind

Him: no dont just think about it. get on it. u aren't in a relationship and neither am i so why not have some fun before u get serious again with anything

was that bad, nothing to say

Me: Lol. Not bad at all. It's true. I just like the idea of being by myself at the moment (save for this one guy). I have a lot to focus on. I gotta find a job without going back to accent Y'know. The like. But if I feel compelled to "get on" that (lol) I will definitely let you know

Gosh, this is so flattering

Him: what true, so u r trying to focus one just him huh. thats fine, the last girl that took a run with me blew my phone up all the time try to get at it again. im a modest person but i may not be hung like a freak show or anything but i now how to please, and im being dead serious

Me: I totally believe you! I don't know what it is... He and I have this idea that we're totally kosher with going off with other people but for whatever reason.. I just want him... I dunno. And this really cute girl in St louis but she's all the way in st louis and I'm not that eager to get a lay.

Him: well woodchase townhouses are alot closer then stl and i bet old boy isnt being as modest as u.

Me: Lol. I would think that aside from the fact that we spend a lot of time together and I'm perfectly content to just be with him for now. I will let you know, though.

Him: im not going to lie i have a partiall chub thinking about u and how big of a freak u say u r

to much????

****** WHAT???******

Me: Uh. Lol. I'm losing momentum on what else to say

****** This is where it gets really good*******

Him: vanessa maybe u would be kidnapped by pirates, and they would take u to their hide out as pirates often do, but i would find a secret map and i would vigilante bushwack through the jungles of peru just save u where i would take u north to mexico and u would tell me your life story on the steps of a mayan temple where we would camp singing non sense songs and 12 bars to the jaguars until you would sense me, your eyes condensing and i would kiss u like a hero in the half pipe, dryer sheets and pink shampoo, the smell of pot leafs i would slepp against u until the natives would find us and they would crown us king and queen and we could stay there, spend our days there eating guava by the sea

******** 15 minutes later*********

Him: so i guess the convo is don????? was the message befoer the last to much? not your fancy?

Me: Are you high?

Him: What i dont smoke weed... so its a no go for u to go to sleep with a big smile on your face?

Me: I mean... I love... guava. Guava's delicious. But....

I appreciate the advance?

Him: what advance?

Me: The advances... you are making towards me....? What with the saving me from the pirates and all.

Him: i dont know, i hate pirates. and like i said i feel rejected. but whatever

Me: No. It was good! I just... like.. I said... Uhm....

Him: hey im a down to earth guy if u want to say something say it...

Me: I'm taking things...... Slow

By only.... being with Brian for now.

Him: well i guess that is my que. thats cool but like i said if you do decide u want to just have fun even if u only want it for time or something let me know cause i will be waiting. and like i said i am pretty confident that i could handle u in the bed room and im not looking to go into another relationship. but yeah i can surprise u and u would definetly want more

now i know that might be cocky but i am confident with myself and passionate. i have a problem when i have sex with someone and it is that i cant get off unitl they do and not only once but until they cant take it anymore.

Me: Wow, Thank you so much for the sentiment Again, much appreciated and I will keep you in mind. I really do need to get some sleep now though >.> It is 3 am and I have to take the girl to school at 7:30. You have a good night though!!

Him: ok talk to u some other time, later

****** So, the moral of this story, girls and guys, is don't ever, EVER pass up the chance to be rescued from pirates. Your eyes will condense so hard if you just say yes.

Day 3 - So Much Hummus

Boy, it has been a busy weekend! Or so I'd like to tell myself. I was so engrossed with Glee (which I finished the entire first season of) that it only took 2 days for me to know that I have a Glee problem (considering all 2 episodes of season 1 were finished in those 2 days). However, lest this turn into some sort of sick and horrific Glee-blog, let us get back on topic, yes?

If you are a movin', groovin' dancin' machine, or... even if you're not... then have I got some recommendations for you! Personally, the Wii, no offense to Nintendo (you will always have a place in my heart), is just a tad childish to me. I can't place my finger on it but it just has a more teletubby-ish feel in comparison to its other console comrades. I really think of myself as more of a 360 girl. Perhaps it's because I love the rumbling in my hands of assassinating the crap out of some trigger happy, foul-mouthed, girly sounding 12 year old who taunts me for being a girl/a trigger happy, foul-mouthed, girly sounding 12 year old boy. Anyways, as I was saying: The Wii has some really good games on it regardless of its baby-face demeanor. If you haven't heard of the Just Dance series you need to get on the ball, sir, and go find yourself a Wii and the Just Dance games
 or get yourself a good friend that you're really comfortable around (or even one who you're not, because this game is hella-dappa-doodle-o fun) who will allow you to drink every drop of water in his/her house.

Just Dance 2 is the game that I own and my goodness me it is fun. I am partial to the Just Sweat section where it tracks how may "sweat points" you are earning per song and, boy, does it seem like a lot. You follow a dancer on the screen while holding the Wii controller in your right hand and you mimic the moves with the song. At first you're like, "Holy crap on a stick, I can't dance like these pros!" But do not give up! They get pretty easy to follow after the second or third song and soon you'll be sashaying and kick-ball-changing just like Christopher Walken (who is a remarkably good dancer as is shown here in Weapon of Choice).

It has a great song selection as well! I am not, by any means, a hardcore Brittney fan but I do like the song Toxic. Mostly because I saw it performed by a 6'5 transvestite at Gay Prom back in 2003 clad in black latex and hooker heels. So, Brittney Spears' Toxic, Avril Lavigne's Girlfriend, Justice's D.A.N.C.E, Benny Benassi's Satisfaction and about 45 others.

I think I hit 1400 sweat points and had to throw in the towel. My goal was 2000 points but I had already spent a good 30 minutes playing Dance Central on the Xbox 360 right before Just Dance 2. That's the other one! Dance Central is a great party game. There is nothing more entertaining than watching your girlfriends gyrating on camera to Fannypack's Hey Mami and then try to make out with each other.

Recipe for an Awesome Drunken Dance Central-athon

1 Xbox 360
1 Xbox Kinect
1 Dance Central Game
17 liters Heavy Liquor of your choice
People (of course)

Mix all ingredients in a house or open space and rock it.

For a low fat experience simply nix the liquor!

I weighed in this morning and I'm wondering if it is just because I had not eaten yet but the scale said 172 Lbs which would mean that I've lost a whopping 2 lbs since I started this whole deal! Woot woot! Maybe I'll call it the Dance Dance and Don't Eat Crappy Food Diet.

Day 1 - Glee-fully Distracted

With all the intent of focusing on some major labor today (mind over matter, yes?), I instead discovered something much more powerful than any number of crunches, leg lifts or push ups. My heart has been stolen and I even shunned the potential of completion our backyard patio to watch the first 8 episodes of GLEE and counting!

I wasn't completely without gratification today! I heavily lowered the number of calories from constant boredom snacking with only 2 handfuls of lightly salted cashews, 2 dime sized dark chocolate covered acai berries and lots of water. I've gone through a grand total of 50.7 oz of water. For breakfast I had a Boca burger with 3 slices of lean turkey and dressed with last night's romaine and beet salad on a wheat bun and a hint of raspberry vinaigrette. I went for Spicy Tomato Penne leftovers from last night instead of making dinner (which I usually overdo).

What's a good weight loss blog without recipes!?

Raspberry Boca Burgers

1 Boca Burger Patty
3 slices of Lean Turkey
1/4 cup of chopped Romaine lettuce
1 Tbs crumbled Feta cheese
1 Tbs chopped Beets
1/2 Tbs Raspberry Vinaigrette
1 Wheat Hamburger Bun

Toss Romaine, Feta, Beets and Raspberry Vinaigrette together. Cook your patty and slap it on yo bun dressed with your lettuce stuff and your turkey and voila!

Spicy Tomato Penne

3/4 Lb of Penne pasta
1 14 oz can of Diced tomatoes
2 Tbl Extra virgin Olive Oil
1 Tbs Red Pepper Flakes
2 Tbs minced Garlic

Boil the Penne according to directions. Meanwhile heat the olive oil on med in a large skillet with the pepper flakes and garlic, stirring constantly for 30 seconds. Add the can of tomatoes to your skillet and simmer for 10 minutes. Salt to taste. I didn't salt it and it turned out just fine :) Drain Penne and toss in your tomato sauce. Sprinkle with grated Parmesan if you want.

Ta-Da!! Lunch and Dinner!

Breaking the Rules

Rule #1 of Fat Club? Talk about Fat Club as much as possible. Knowing that people know I think I'm fat seems to be more motivating to me. Perhaps I'm just an attention whore. In which case, LOOKIT MEEE!

Actually the rule I am currently violating is... well... a couple. Like, I ate half a turkey sammich just now. It was just turkey on one slice of wheat bread. No cheese, nothing fancy, just half a bottle of water and a "turkey sammich". Only because I was really hungry and this diet thing is making me think a lot about the foods I should be eating, just not now. And only because this one website (The Best Midnight Snacks for Whatever You're Craving Health & Fitness: glamour.com) said that if I'm craving a whole second dinner that it can be replaced with said sammich. I'm trusting them on this one! What they really need to add in that article is a snack that covers salty, ice cream, with brownie chunks and cherry pie topping in a bowl the size of a semi. Also, getting regular sleep seems to be a big deal. So, the 4 am bedtime I'm achieving right now is most likely not the brightest way to kick off this new plan.

I suppose I'm just super excited that I'm finally doing this and super excited that I can italicize without missing a beat in typing :)

Day 1 - Nixing the Nuggets

This is it. After a year and a half of a job that consisted of stress, sitting on my bum and super stress I am 35 pounds heavier. I reached my breaking point late this evening when I failed at trying to take a picture of myself with my chin on my knee. Apparently I can't do that anymore.

You know it's bad when you get winded trying to pick up a pencil. Sometimes I feel like my neck fat is suffocating me. So I'm putting in my resignation....

Dear Fat-self,

     While the experience has definitely been new and filled with opportunities to put more "umph" into daily activities than I ever have before I feel that we must now move on in different directions. As of Saturday, April 9, 2011 I will no longer be able to share the charming chubby moments of sneaking one, maybe two or five, more Ghirardelli chocolates that we so sneakily hid out in the open so that midnight-snacking-self wouldn't find them in the pantry. I thought for a brief moment there that it was ingenious to make sure that the whole bag was consumed before the 9 o'clock hour to avoid eating so late. No longer will I be able to share the closeness and the warm embrace of your large chaffing thighs. Please believe me when I say it's not you... It's me. I let us get too close. Too comfortable in the soft caved in corner of the living room sectional from so many occupied hours in front of the video games, laptop and cellphone all at once. It may have seemed like we were multitasking at the time when in fact the minutes were fleeting so quickly that I barely knew what hit me when it suddenly dawned on me that.... I don't love you anymore. So please, pack all your bags... All of them. The side ones, the back ones, the chinny chin chin ones, the front ones, the ass ones you may take or leave but the boobs I keep. I'll fight you for them if you try to take those away. I expect to see you completely gone by tomorrow. Is that too unreasonable? Tough. 

Sincerely,
Significantly-less-fat-self

With that said I know it'll be a tough journey, as I am stupid lazy and haven't a plan yet aside from more exercise, eating even earlier in the day, more water instead of juice and smaller portions.

If all else fails, I guess I can purchase some ipecac for a reasonable price on Ebay somewhere...